Boyfriend – the word that sends shudders through the hearts of parents who have daughters. You wonder if you have given them enough guidance to make the right choices. And you know that their hearts will be broken, no matter what you say or do. I would far prefer for them to be locked up safely in a tower till they’re 40; however my best alternative is to publically declare that the following individuals are not allowed in our home – keep in mind that some of the characters selected are there to prove a point (and using TV and movie references makes it more relevant to teenagers – say the name George Michael and you get blank stares.)
1. Any of the Jonas brothers
I don’t trust anybody who piously claims they will stay pure and virginal until the day they get married – yeah right! You make loads of money; you seem to have mass appeal; and you are a celebrity which apparently means something these days. I say it’s a cynical ploy to fall in line with the Disney image. One got married at the age of 12 (well, he looks 12 but might actually be in his early 20’s), and one has been seen without his purity ring.
Moral of the story: choose someone who lives his values rather than tells the world about them.
2. Horatio Cane
If a man can’t look you in the eyes because he’s addressing you from a sideways angle, or is wearing sunglasses, then you can’t trust him. Top that off with cheesy one liners and a very obvious self-absorption, and you can be guaranteed that it will always be about him.
Moral of the story: any man who wants the last word is obviously not boyfriend (or marriage) material.
3. Justin Bieber
Really? You sound like a girl. You are pretty enough to pass yourself off as a girl. And I don’t think I want my daughter having to compete for time in front of the mirror.
Moral of the story: don’t date someone who wears more lip gloss than you do.
4. The Lead singer of the band (any band)
Aahh, the lead singer. The guy with the voice, who could lull you to sleep with his sweet words. The one who usually has the looks and the bod (Mick Jagger and Steven Tyler are exceptions here). The one who has an ego that requires constant stroking and acknowledgment. Mr Me!Me!Me! (see: Bono). Personally, I have a preference for drummers – they are the backbone of the band, but don’t have an obsession with being in the spotlight.
Moral of the story: You have read about them in Heat magazine. You have seen the THS on E!Entertainment. Believe them. And if you haven’t, then buy Keith Richard’s autobiography (I am still amazed the man is alive – well, I suppose he has been preserved in formaldehyde for the last 30 years.)
5. Protea Cricketers
Herschelle Gibbs. Andre Nel. What fine gents they have proven to be. Bastions of respectability and discretion. What stand up guys. And here we thought they played a couple of innings, retired quietly to their hotel; and got a good night’s rest.
Moral of the story: representing your country requires great skill, talent and integrity. Being a man requires a lot more.
6. Vampire boyfriends
Twilight Schmilight. Who wants to date some dude who has been around for a thousand years, and who hasn’t seen the sun over the same period of time? Get a tan. Get a life. And if you leave marks on my daughter, a stake through the heart is the least of your worries.
Moral of the story: being mysterious does not equate to being interesting.
7. Mommy’s Boy
You know the one’s. They take their washing home – at the age of 35. Or are still living at home – at the age of 35. Everything they do or say is greeted with squeals of delight. Anything you do or say is viewed as a potential threat to the safety and morality of their baby. Run when you see pin-riddled voodoo dolls of ex-girlfriends.
Moral of the story: he will never leave the clutches of mummy – not surgically, not ever.
8. Gym Bunny Dave
I have no issue with a man who takes care of himself. Being fit and eating well shows a healthy attitude towards life. Injecting equine steroids in between his toes to ensure his biceps qualify him for Mr Body Beautiful 2012 sounds a bit more extreme. And you will have to keep up – this is not the sort of guy who will let an extra kilo, or some flabby skin pass unnoticed. And he will tell you if your bum looks big in those pants.
Moral of the story: unless you love going to gym 4 hours a day, every day, this is not the man for you. I also find the noises they make whilst working out a bit off-putting.
P.S. – Note to my daughters – You have been warned………
If you have any men you would like to add to the list, please give us your suggestions in the comments section below.