Agony Aunty

Agony Aunty

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Dearest Aunty,

My girlfriend is breaking my balls by consistently watching re-runs of Grey’s Anatomy while all I really want to do is run my hands all over HER anatomy instead. Never mind the sheer depression associated with Grey’s, I am pretty much guaranteed that I ain’t getting any on Monday nights (especially). How do I turn Mondays into “Up Times” rather than “Down Times?”

Ambi Dextrous


Your question poses an interesting conundrum. You see, watching Grey’s Anatomy every Monday night is compulsive viewing for all women, and I would be extremely worried if your girlfriend did NOT watch. This would lead me to conclude that she could be suffering from depression, was potentially a transvestite, or worse – did not have DSTV. So, let me begin by assuring you that you are in a relationship with a sane, healthy and emotionally mature woman.
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Dear Aunty Shelli,

My boyfriend (and maybe future husband) is a keen fisherman and is always off to Dullstroom to try and catch a trout. My view is why bother when Milly’s has already caught one? Anyway, we have both been invited away by friends for a trout fishing weekend and I’m dreading it because there’s nothing more boring than not fishing on a fishing weekend. The other wives all fish so I am going to be stuck in the house on my own for hours. HELP…how do I get out of this and not lose my boyfriend?

Woolly Bugger (Miss)


I think this might, in fact, be the PERFECT time to lose your boyfriend. You may not get another chance! Before you know it, you will be looking after your very dull children in Dullstroom while your dull husband and the other dull wives go fishing. It’s just too awful for words. If I were you (and I am incredibly grateful that I am not), I would throw an Oscar-winning temper tantrum the very second you get home and make him choose between fishing and you.
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Hi Shelli,

I am a middle aged man living in South Africa. Everybody I know seems to have a tacky looking flag stuck on their car and some sort of wing mirror condom fitted. I can’t raise the slightest interest in anything to do with FIFA World Cup because I know we are all being ripped off by the Fat Controller (aka Sepp) and his merry men. How am I going to get through the next six weeks?

Peter (Parkhurst)

Hi Pete,

I know the purpose of this column is for me to be all gentle and supportive, but really, you sound like a bit of a whiner. I can only hope that you aren’t like this at work.

I could go into a lot of detail about your low self-esteem, deep-rooted anger at your father and slight homophobic tendencies, but every woman worth her salt knows that men never listen to a word we say. So it seems a bit of a waste of time, to be honest.
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