Maybe not, but it will prevent you from going mad out of sheer boredom.
Thursday, 27th May
Some of us have as much musical talent as the last place finisher in the drunken karaoke contest. That is why it will be cool to attend the Stones Cuervo Air Guitar Challenge. You don’t need to be able to play an instrument (like most boy band members), you just need to go wild on stage. Or watch other inebriated people do it. Visit their website
Friday, 28th May
Head to Parkers Comedy & Jive for big laughs and great music (songs that you can sing along to). This Friday sees Darren Maule (Survivor) host Joey Rasdien and Dwayne Perkins (U.S.A). Show starts at 9pm. Visit their website.
Saturday, 29th May
Captian Haddock from Tintin was rather fond of port. If you are too, make your way to the Old Mill, Magaliesberg for the Cellar Rats Port and Sherry Festival. Entrance is R100. Designated drivers get in free. Visit their website.
Sunday, 30th May
Chill out on Sunday and head to Rooms on View –South Africa’s premier décor show. Buy, browse or merely dream about living the good life. Tickets are R80.00 and can be purchased at the door.
Visit their website.
Monday, 31st May
Fancy yourself as a joker? Head to Bubba J’s in Atlasville for open mic comedy. These evenings see an experienced act host while the newbies get stage time. Check out the Facebook group.
Tuesday, 1st June
Celebrate South African musical heritage in Diamonds & Dust. From pennywhistles to Johnny Clegg, the show takes a broad look at our music history. Visit their website.
Jen Tile: Straight out of Norwood
Who will be the new “Mr. Nasty”?
At the time of writing the producers of American Idol were searching for a replacement for Simon Cowell. Where on earth are they going to find an arrogant, rude, know-it-all who is as quick at making nasty comments as Kirsty Alley is at eating a hamburger?
I have a few nominations and if, by any chance, producers from the show do read my column I would like them to consider my choices.
- Mara Louw – you may think that it is my sense of patriotism that has caused me to nominate our judge for the American show. It’s not patriotism. It’s payback. Americans have been screwing up our accent in movies like Blood Diamond and Stander, so I figured we owe them. Why should South Africans be the only one to suffer Mara’s mumblings?
- Ozzie Osbourne – he may be incoherent and drugs may have had a permanent effect on him, but it would be funny to watch him tell Ryan-I-swear-I’m-straight-I-only-dress-like-this-because-the-producers-tell-me-to-Seacrest to go #@*& and &*%#@# and then go jump in *&%#$%@.
- Chuck Norris – he sang the theme tune for Walker Texas Ranger and is therefore qualified to judge. Even if he isn’t would you want to tell him? It would be amusing to watch Chuck give Ryan-honestly-I-REALLY-do-like-women-and-not-just-their-clothes-Seacrest a roundhouse kick to the head.
- Britney Spears – the show needs balance and at least one judge who knows nothing about music. That judge is Britney. Her mime act means that she knows less about music than Ryan-I-wear-pink- ‘coz-it’s-fashion-Seacrest.
- Kelly Clarkson – if she spends more time on the set of Idols and less time in front of the fridge she might lose a few pounds. Who knows? She is attractive even when she is a bit chunky, so she will be drop dead gorgeous when she is svelte. Even Ryan-My-favourite-movie-is-A-Few-Good-Men-Seacrest will have to take notice.