So Julius (Kiddie Amin) Malema is off to anger management classes. I bet he’s furious about that. He’s also going back to school but this is no ordinary school. He won’t be honing his woodworking skills in the hopes of getting an E this time or trying for a pass in Maths. No this is apparently the ANC’s own political school and the headmaster is…surprise, surprise….convicted fraudster Tony Yengeni. Obviously Prof Yengeni is seen as a suitable person to be passing on the great teachings of the ANC to young, susceptible minds like that of Kiddie Amin.
So how does it all work I wonder? Is there morning assembly? Are there break sessions between lessons to allow Kiddie to let off steam in the playground and beat up some of the smaller boys? Will Kiddie have to get changed for footer and go off to play the COPE political school? Apparently not but my sources tell me there are formal lessons and Kiddie Amin won’t be allowed to shout in class or make silly noises at the back of the classroom. If he does he will be given 100 lines and lose his gold star for attendance.
Apart from learning to do joined up writing, colouring in pictures of expensive cars and making plasticene models of great struggle heroes what else can Kiddie expect when he turns up for his first day at L’Ecole ANC? Well, since his personal tutor is the great Yengeni himself one must expect a double period of corruption every Monday morning. How to negotiate a discount on a 4X4, how to not get nicked for drunken driving even if you are obviously out of your skull, how to persuade police officers to lose dockets or change the times of blood tests. That sort of thing. The sort of behaviour that has made the ANC a byword for probity among South Africans of all colours.
After Corruption 101 Kiddie will be instructed in the values of the ANC. This is obviously going to be a fairly short lesson but nonetheless important because it will gave young Kiddie the lifeskills he will need when he becomes President in a few years.
Visiting lecturers are expected to share the comprehensive “Lie and Deny course….a comprehensive guide to dealing with questions from cheeky journalists”. I doubt Kiddie really needs to attend this course because he has a natural aptitude already but there are always a few extra tricks to be picked up from those older and wiser. For example, visiting Prof Alec Erwin may be able to deliver a few hints on how to tell the people of South Africa that economic growth won’t be affected just because there’s no electricity in the country. The important lesson is not to burst out laughing halfway through at the gullibility of the people who vote for you.
The all important “Someone to blame” module is perhaps the most essential course offered by L’Ecole ANC because it teaches the students how to avoid accountability. Blaming apartheid/colonialism/white business interests/The Spice Girls has worked well in the past but new thinking is emerging and there is a trend among ANC academics to shift the blame to a less tangible target. The reason for this thinking is that some robust debate has been seen in the past which disputes the fact that apartheid is to blame for large amounts of money mysteriously moving into the bank accounts of well connected ANC members. Since debate is forbidden among the cadres it’s obviously a good idea to find something else to blame. So Kiddie Amin will be taught to blame the tokolosh in future.