Nice to meet you…..goodbye


Nice to meet you…..goodbye

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Some years ago my dear wife made a comment which I thought insane at the time. By the way, she doesn’t read any of my stuff and has forbidden me to ever mention her in one of my articles. I once mentioned the lime green leotard she wore to gym in a column and it was a complete lie because she didn’t even go to gym. It just suited the story. So if it gets out that I’m writing about her again I’ll be in deep dwang so please…..not a word.

Anyway, the comment I thought was insane at the time was her refusal to go to big parties and meet more people because “I’ve already met enough people in my life”. Now, being much older and wiser, I realize that she was spot on. I’m also not that keen on making new friends because I’ve got enough already and I can’t even remember some of their names.

It’s a bit like books, CD’s and kitchen equipment really. As you get older you desire less (unless you’re Jacob Zuma) and you find yourself wandering aimlessly around Exclusive Books wondering what to buy. Then the thought occurs that you already have shelves full of books that you haven’t read and CD’s that you haven’t listened to or would be quite happy to listen to over and over again. So you leave empty handed. And you have enough pans and bain maries and different types of grater to fill the most discerning cook’s kitchen so you don’t need any of those either. In fact, the only thing you want at my age is a pair of comfortable shoes that look exactly like the shoes you’ve got already and trousers that disguise your gut as much as possible. And you want the same old comfortable friends you’ve known for decades because they have been there for you throughout. Only in exceptional circumstances (thirty something, big boobs, blonde hair etc etc) will I even consider trying to make new friends. I don’t quite draw the line at not meeting people but I don’t often want to meet them again.

Which brings me to Facebook which is even bigger than Google. If you’re not into the internet, trust me, this is big news. There are millions of people on Facebook and I am under considerable pressure from people to become their “friend” on Facebook. One such invitation is from a bloke who screwed me out of money and who I don’t much care for in real life. Is he having me on? No, he just wants to have a lot of friends on Facebook and it doesn’t much matter who they are. Can 6 million people be so wrong? Well, yes they can because I can think of nothing worse than having a whole load of people I have never met (and will never meet) befriending me or unfriending (dread word) me on Facebook. And why should I tell them what I have been up to and post pictures of me drunk at a party for their amusement? And why should I spend hours of the remaining years of my life finding out what they’ve been up to? I’d rather visit a bookshop and buy nothing.

But the worst thing about Facebook is that it’s all so phoney. When you’ve been shot and are lying in ICU are any of them going to bring you home made chocolate cake like my friend Shirley did.

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