Julius Malema, a man who has devoted the greater part of his adult life to disproving Darwin’s theory of evolution, thinks someone is out to get him. More specifically he claims to have received death threats and has applied for 24 hour protection from the VIP unit. Now, having worked for the Sunday Times for fourteen years I know all about paranoia and the obvious question Julius will have to ask himself is….can he trust the guys who are supposed to be protecting him? Would it be possible, for example, for potential Malema assassins to infiltrate the VIP Protection Unit and take a pot shot at Julius. Like his Roman namesake Caesar, Julius will have to watch his back (particularly on the Ides of March) and steer clear of lean and hungry men. He may also like to consider employing a food taster just in case somebody wants to slip strychnine into his chicken burger. That would obviously not be the job of the VIP Protection Unit. Their task is roar up and down the motorways in cars with blackened windows and blue lights and fire the odd shot at people who are slow to get out of the way. Some very insolent people suggest this is why Malema wants the protection. It will make him feel important. It will make him feel like an African despot and so, when the time eventually comes for him to become an African despot, he will already know how it should be done.
All this nonsense is going to cost the taxpayer R300000 a month if newspaper reports are to be believed. The good news is that the service is available to all citizens who believe their lives to be in danger. Well, I’ve been shot by house invaders and still have a bullet in my pelvis and I get hate mail and death threats on a regular basis so I’m clearly a candidate for some round the clock VIP protection and will be filling in the necessary forms as soon as they have sent them to me. I’m also a taxpayer though and don’t want to be too much of a burden to the rest of you so I am asking for a special cut price package.
For a start, I don’t want an armed guard sleeping across my threshold every night so I’m opting for the 12 hour protection programme at half the price. This means that I can have men with dark glasses and curly wires coming out of their ears from 6 in the morning when I do my walk around Zoo Lake until 6 in the evening. After that I’m on my own.
I also don’t want to race up and down the motorway with sirens blaring and lights flashing. That’s for people with low self esteem. The sort of people who don’t have columns on Joburg.co.za. What I do want though is the VIP guys to take and collect my dry cleaning sharp sharp and fetch me a pizza and get it back to me before it gets cold. On the odd occasion that I venture out to a restaurant, I want my security detail to go ahead, chuck whoever is sitting at my favourite table off and get things ready for my arrival. No fuss, just a 10 metre area cleared around my table for a bit of privacy. And if you argue we shoot you.