I have had the most horrendous three weeks. It has been just horrible. Unspeakably awful. Just plain terrible, actually,
Because, you see, I’ve had flu. And not ANY kind of flu – I have had the worst kind of flu possible. The kind where you would quite happily extract your lungs with a kitchen knife and some braai tongs if it would stop you coughing.
Sadly, I am still way too sick to document the trials and tribulations of the past twenty-one days, much as I know you are dying to hear all the details. And so, I have copied and pasted my Facebook updates from the last three weeks. Yes, I know – I am remarkably thoughtful.
9 May 4.26pm
Am trying VERY hard to focus on work and ignore the fact that my throat is bloody sore. I am just SO not in the mood for getting sick.
10 May 2.66 pm
It is now official. I have a terminal case of flu. Farewell cruel, cruel world.
10 May 7.55pm
Steve made me chicken soup. Looks like the dog threw up in a bowl. So just had some toast and smiled bravely as it scraped past my sore throat [deep shuddering sigh]
11 May 2.59pm
Throat too sore to talk. Have taken to sms’ing domestic helper to ask for more tea
11 May 4.59pm
Apparently her battery “has just gone flat.” Must say I am deeply suspicious.
12 May 1.17pm
Am fuming! Some idiot put medicine in the wrong box – just found laxatives in the Sinutab box and can’t remember if I took one this morning. Am actually too afraid to sneeze!
12 May 4.27pm
All good so far. Coughed twice and no … um …. You know.
15 May 11.12am
The problem with this flu is that one minute you’re afraid you’re dying and the next minute you’re afraid you aren’t.
16 May 5.53am
Aaaarrrrgggghhhh. Kayla has caught my flu. Bad cough the whole night. Humidifier and Vicks dragged out again. Poor thing 🙁
16 May 5.59am
By “poor thing” – I mean me. It’s not even 6am!
16 May 6.09pm
Kayla is playing her toy drum set wearing a pirate hat and using a plastic cricket bat and vuvuzela as drum sticks. And you wonder why I drink…
16 May 7.22pm
Kayla thinks her “sneezles” might be getting better. One can only hope.
19 May 11.57pm
Am STILL cringing about sending an email to the owners of a guest lodge saying ‘Hi Gays’. Instead of ‘Hi Guys’. And, as luck would have it – they are indeed gay. Great. (Note to self: no more cough mixture while at work).
25 May 8.55am
Terminal flu is back. Seems it was just in remission 🙁
26 May 3.07pm
Am making a smoothie. Recipe: Place ingredients of top shelf of medicine cabinet in blender. Add 1 Tbsp cough syrup and 4tsp Milo. Repeat when required. Or as long as you remain conscious.
27 May 7.03pm
I will be crawling off my death bed later to watch The Mentalist. I am such a brave little soldier…
28 May 10.12am
Stephen is leaving me for another woman. Any woman, apparently, that does not cough all night.
28 May 6.35pm
Am adding Stroh Rum to my cough syrup. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
28 May 10.59pm
Feeling so so sooooooo much better. Ready to take on the whole world. As soon as I can stand up again.
29 May 9.03am
I want to die.
29 May 10.30am
It turns out that Stroh Rum is not an effective cough syrup. Trust me on this.
29 May 11.01pm
Stephen is refusing to take me to the vet to be put down. He is also yelling a lot today.
30 May 8.30am
Kayla says she couldn’t sleep last night because the dog was barking. Was actually me coughing. (Note to self: may need antibiotics).
31 May 5.50pm
Am considering spraying Doom in my throat to kill germs. Stephen is rolling his eyes. Again.
1 June 8.01pm
Stephen has made an appointment for me to see the doctor. Overheard him asking doctor to give him strong tranquilizers. Before he kills me.
1 June 12.17pm
Am on antibiotics. Doctor very unsympathetic and said “all this suffering was pointless”. Said yes, it has been hard but that I was never one to complain. Doctor gave me long hard look and said “I was talking about your husband.” Superb. Am apparently deathly ill and high maintenance.
Anyway, the good news is that I am now officially on the mend. The bad news is that Stephen has caught my flu! He has been so amazingly supportive while I was sick, and I think it’s only fair that I return the favour. And so… I have suggested that he go and stay with his mother for a few days.
That’s me. Always thinking about the needs of others before my own.
I should be sainted.