A world of shrinking holiday opportunities

A world of shrinking holiday opportunities

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So that’s New Zealand off the list then. Up until a fortnight ago Mrs B and I had the country of the long white cloud on our must see bucket list. In fact, we were all set to go there a few years ago but someone shot me and we had to alter our holiday plans. Then other things happened and somehow we never made it to the land of the Hobbits. After the recent earthquake we probably never will. I like a safe holiday destination and the idea of a quake of 7.1 on the Richter scale isn’t what I would call a safe holiday. Apres quake, the residents of Christchurch had no water or electricity and their roads were in an appalling state. I can get all of that in Joburg thanks very much so why must I spend all that money to replicate it in New Zealand? Although, in fairness, the roads in Christchurch looked in better condition than ours even after the quake.

I’ve obviously ruled Pakistan off the list of holiday destinations although it was never very high. Any country that doesn’t make wine and has floods of that magnitude has to be avoided at all costs. Ditto large areas of China.

South America is still on my list but only just. If I can find a place with no hurricanes or mudslides then I’ll probably go but recent events wouldn’t tempt me to book a trip. Iceland was on the list despite being difficult to get to. But that unpronounceable,belching volcano and having to breath all those sulphurous fumes and comb ash out of your hair every few minutes makes the place a no no. And because Iceland is the northern hemisphere equivalent of Zimbabwe they probably try and rip you off if they know you’re carrying real money. Delightful people I’m sure but hopelessly in debt and that means that the transactional value is bound to be a bit one sided.

Obviously Mozambique is off the list now they are killing one another and I don’t care how great the beaches are….nothing would tempt me to get stranded in Maputo with an angry machete wielding mob on the streets. Kenya is risky as is Zimbabwe and most other destinations north on the African continent. Fine if you don’t mind carrying a wad of notes for bribe money but that sort of thing upsets my holiday budget and makes me uneasy. Australia is either flooded or on fire at various times of the year and is led by a woman who bears an uncanny resemblance to a stoat. So that’s out. Japan’s too far and too expensive. Thailand is full of people who want to blockade the streets or blow tourists up. Greece is fine if you’re not in Athens but how do you get anywhere without going through Athens so avoid at all costs.

You need a visa to get into every country in Europe which is a bloody cheek because they need our tourism euros more than we need to go there. So boycott all of Europe. Which means that you may as well stay at home and holiday in South Africa. What you save on not applying for a visa and on airfares you can splash on a luxury hotel in Cape Town and if Table Mountain suddenly erupts then you’ll be no worse off than if you’d gone anywhere else in the world.

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