An authentic SA experience for my W***d C*p guest

An authentic SA experience for my W***d C*p guest

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So it’s finally here then. The footer Weld Cup from the people whose name we are not allowed to mention unless we pay the Fat Controller (Sepp Blatter) a lot of money. Have we been taken for a ride? Well we won’t know until we’ve totted up the accounts in August. If it’s been a financial disaster they won’t tell us and if it’s been a financial success they won’t stop bragging about it ad nauseam.

Like a good patriotic South African I sacked my domestic servant as soon as I knew we had the Weld Cup in the bag. Not immediately, obviously, but I told her that she would need to move out of her room two years before the foreigners started arriving so I could redecorate it in a style more appropriate to visiting football fans. Very few of them want a bed propped up on bricks and only cold running water. So the domestic was sent back home and I admit there were tears but I told her it was for the best. It was for South Africa. So now I have a beautifully redecorated domestic servant’s room with a very swish en suite bathroom (albeit enclosed in corrugated metal and about 20 metres away from the bed room). I worried about this at first but I decided that if you’re charging €400 a night you want to give your guests an authentic South African experience. A friend said that I should make it a really authentic experience by firing a gun outside the bedroom window at three in the morning but I thought was taking things a bit too far.

As at now I don’t have a taker but I think this is all down to the negative media who have been bad mouthing South Africa in the international press. I know we may not get the 450 000 foreign visitors we were promised but if 250 000 turn up I’ll be happy because I’m damn certain at least one of them will want to stay in a cold, airless room with outside ablution facilities. And I’m not dropping my price. These foreigners are loaded with money and particularly the Greeks who’ve just been given €110 billion to split between a population of around 12 million. That’s just over €9000 per Greek so don’t come here claiming that you’ve got no money to spend matey.

I’m obviously going to be disappointed if the room isn’t let (and may even go on the rampage and wreck it), particularly as I no longer have a domestic and have to iron my own shirts. But I’m going to be even more disappointed if I get stuck in traffic on the way to a game. So much so that I have decided to get rid of my tickets by trying to find someone with the same name to sell them to. This is the only way whoever has my tickets will get into the game. There are a few other David Bullards scattered around the globe but thus far no takers. So I’ve decided to do a package special… to the game (if your name is David Bullard) and the room thrown in at €250 a night. Can’t say fairer than that guv and if you pay a 50% deposit I promise to leave the back door unlocked and you can come and use the boss’s bathroom in the morning.

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