How to spice up Formula 1

How to spice up Formula 1

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Isn’t Formula 1 boring? Yes, I know I’m supposed to be a motoring nut but I can’t find a single redeeming feature in a lot of cars driving around a track. I’ve got well meaning friends who have patiently explained what it’s all about, including telling me about the effect the heat from the exhaust has on traction on the corners. It’s fascinating stuff providing you don’t actually have to watch it.

And it’s obviously rigged. I mean, how can Hamilton be a world class driver one year and drive like a granny the next? The experts will tell you it’s all about the fine tuning of the cars and that it wasn’t Hamilton’s fault that he was an also ran in the 2009 season. I’m not buying it unless someone can prove to me that the engineers deliberately sabotaged Hamilton’s car to give Button a chance of finally becoming world champion.

What Formula 1 needs is an urgent makeover and they could start by getting rid of that homunculus who runs the show. Yeah, the one with bad hair….Bernie Ecclescake or whatever his name is. That’s got to be a wig surely. You would think that a man making as much money as he does by arranging for cars to race round a track would be able to afford a decent wig maker. Anyway, Bernie whatsit and the chappie who likes getting chastised by scantily clad young ladies in Nazi uniform are obviously past their best before dates which is why F1 has become a bit of a bore to watch.

You probably read that Toyota have pulled out, which isn’t surprising because they never won anything in the whole time they were involved. And they spent all the profits on every Corolla ever sold in the process. I do have a soft spot for Toyota because they once took me to the Australian Grand Prix in Melbourne. We knew they didn’t have a bat’s hope in hell of winning anything but we all pretended it might happen one day and drank lots of free booze served by comely Aussie girls in tight red racing overalls. Apart from a cursory glance at the track when someone crashed I watched the whole race on the telly in the air conditioned comfort of the Toyota VIP box. After a few Australian beers and some kangaroo burgers even Formula 1 becomes bearable.

The fear is that Formula 1 will become so utterly boring in 2010 that people just won’t bother to turn the TV on. If that happens F1 could wind up like ladies bowls. So I’ve come up with a few ideas to make it more interesting.

Firstly, make the drivers get out and fill their own cars at the pit stops. This would cut back on the cost of all those spacemen who hang around doing nothing for most of the race. Obviously the drivers would also have to pay for the petrol so an added minute or two of tension would come from the time it takes for the computer to connect to the bank to get confirmation that the credit card can be swiped.

Second, have the drivers drive in the opposite direction after 30 laps. This would prevent both them and the viewers nodding off and would mean that a right chicane would now be a left chicane. You don’t want F1 drivers falling asleep with boredom after all.

Thirdly, let a couple of South African taxi drivers onto the track half way through the race and see if any of the F1 drivers can get past them. If that doesn’t boost the TV audience then nothing will.

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